She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
