The maid of honor just puked.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
