I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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