my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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