if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And then he peed in my hair
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