Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize