If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
