So drunk its hurt
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my shit smells like andre
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
