i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
