I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
