i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
