We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
