are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
