I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
