So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
