guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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