I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
