Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
