His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
