bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
