Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
