maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
