I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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