Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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