When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
