i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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