i was born a porn star she said
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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