Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize