hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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