some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
