if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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