Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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