Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We need to rekindle our bromance
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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