My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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