i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
