In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
