They should really pass out barf bags in church
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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