He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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