i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
