I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
