I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
