Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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