I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
