Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
