Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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