oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
