An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
