sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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