And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
