he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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