First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
