I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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