I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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