Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
