I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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