I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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