I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
